I’m a hospice nurse. Here’s what people always get wrong about dying — and 3 biggest mistakes we make when people are grieving
I’m a hospice nurse. Here’s what people always get wrong about dying — and 3 biggest mistakes we make when people are grieving
End-of-life doesn’t have to be a frightening or painful experience, according to hospice nurse and educator Kath Murray.
Not many people would expect that working in hospice care would be a joyful experience. When Kath Murray tells people what she does for a living, there’s always an awkward silence, a sympathetic head tilt and the inevitable response of “that must be so hard.”
“There’s never been a job where I’ve had so much laughter,” says Murray, a hospice nurse and palliative care educator based in British Columbia. “The reality is incredible.”
It’s not what most of us picture, and that’s precisely the problem.
Murray founded Life and Death Matters in 2005 to help health care workers who work with the dying. The organization has grown to include resources for nursing students, long-term care facility employees and families to help them navigate caring for people who are dying.
According to Murray, there’s one major misconception that stops families from accessing care when they need it most: People think hospice means giving up.
“That’s the biggest myth,” Murray says. “But we’re actually good at holding hope and reality at the same time.” Hospice is all about living better, rather than giving up on it entirely.
What is hospice care?
Many people often think of palliative care and hospice care as the same thing. Palliative care can begin at diagnosis and works in conjunction with curative treatments, symptom management and improves quality of life.
Hospice care is reserved for people with a terminal illness who typically have six months or less to live. It provides comprehensive comfort care for both the patient and their family.
Both types of care are designed to help you live better, not worse.
Murray’s close proximity to people who are dying has allowed her to witness and learn from people who are facing and accepting their mortality.
“I’ve learned from people who’ve had time to think about what really mattered in their lives. It was never about fancy cars or designer labels,” she says. The work has taught her something unexpected: Deep gratitude for everyday things. “I remember leaving work on a rainy day and feeling so grateful just to have arms and legs that work.”
When should families consider hospice?
Most families start considering hospice when everyday life becomes a struggle. Perhaps someone can’t shower or cook meals on their own. In some cases, their health has become unpredictable, with good days followed by scary emergency room visits.
At other times, it’s clear that more support is needed at home than the family can provide. Physical decline makes it apparent that something needs to change.
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“It’s never too early for these conversations,” Murray says. “And it’s not just cancer: We help with heart disease, COPD, dementia, diabetes.”
Unfortunately, access to hospice services varies across Canada, depending on where you live and the level of provincial funding. Most hospice facilities rely on volunteers to offset the costs of providing care to those in need.
I had a patient tell me, ‘It’s not being dead that scares me … it’s the dying part’
There can be some uneasiness when patients enter hospice. Moreover, many people fear that it will be a painful process.
“I had a patient tell me, ‘It’s not being dead that scares me … it’s the dying part,'” Murray remembers.
Many hospice health care providers can help manage pain and discomfort with medication, but there’s also an added element of emotional pain.
Death doesn’t look like it does in the movies, but hospice teams often include counsellors to help patients and families understand the dying process and help prepare them for what’s ahead. Murray says only a small percentage of people will enter into hospice and experience a steady decline in health until they die; the rest will experience what she calls “the roller coaster.”
“Families gather to say goodbye, and suddenly the person perks up and says, ‘I’m not going anywhere,'” Murray explains, adding that it can be emotionally exhausting for families.
How to help someone
People often wonder how they can support families with a loved one in hospice. Death can be an uncomfortable topic, especially for people who have yet to experience a significant loss. While asking “what can I do to help?” may be well-intentioned, it doesn’t alleviate any of the stress or pain they may be experiencing.
Instead of asking a vague question, try specifying how you can help. Some examples include:
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“I’m bringing dinner on Tuesday.”
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“Can I pick up groceries this week?”
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“I’m free to drive kids to school.”
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“Here’s what I can do … what would help most?”
These statements and questions help solve problems without creating more work for your friend or loved one.
What — and what not — to say
When you visit someone who’s seriously ill, words matter more than you think. Phrases that are meant to be comforting can actually make things more complicated. Instead of saying things like:
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“I know how you feel.”
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
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“They’re in a better place now.”
You can be supportive by doing things like:
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Listening
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Sharing a happy memory
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Ask what they want to talk about
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Being present
Some days they want to talk about their illness, other days they want to discuss anything but that.
“The most important thing? Follow their lead,” Murray says. “Some days they want to talk about their illness, other days they want to discuss anything but that.”
Accepting support
Hospice care isn’t about giving up hope. It’s about making the most of the time you have with dignity, support and with your family.
It’s about focusing on what matters most when time becomes precious. It’s about having honest conversations, creating meaningful moments and sometimes finding more laughter and joy than anyone expects.
The goal isn’t to hasten death or abandon all treatment. It’s about living as fully as possible while facing reality with courage and the right kind of support.
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